I’m sitting in my favorite chair at my apartment, snuggled up with an excellent cup of vanilla cocoa, my warmest fleece blanket, and my oh-so-snuggly dog. It’s been a pretty typical day – meeting up with my brother to help him check out a house, dropping by the office to finish up a few last minute things before Sunday, taking a quick jog at Moss Wright. It’s been a few days now since we rang in the new year, and most of the country has already moved on to thinking about the Iowa caucus and the latest Britney Spears incident. I’m tempted to spend the evening dozing in front of the TV or watching a movie with friends.…but I have waited for this day for months now, and I don’t want to miss its significance. This year, I am more excited about the 5th of January than the 1st.
Have you ever had an introspective moment in your life when you wondered if this was it? Is this the life that I really planned on? Is this the life that I was called to? Is this situation or this frustration or this issue really a part of the abundant life God promised me? Is this all there is for me?…After a heart-wrenching semester at Focus last fall, I found myself asking these questions. I was looking around at some of the different situations in my life, and I was beginning to fear that the struggle and defeat were as good as it would get this side of eternity. I was paralyzed by the idea that the gray skies and the uncertainties and the constant battle with my own mind was the reality of abundance. If that was abundance, I was disappointed with God. I was unsure of His faithfulness and His ability to offer freedom or healing or victory for my battles. I couldn’t understand why anyone could be so satisfied with the struggle, and I couldn’t believe that anyone was really as overjoyed by abundant life as they claimed to be. Jealousy and anger were overwhelming to me when I heard people talk of the simplicity of trusting God for freedom and finding victory and wholeness in Him.
This was not a new feeling for me. These thoughts were not new. They had been in the back of my mind for years, but I had stuffed them down with religiosity and rules and new attempts to be victorious. The struggle had been consuming and wearying, and around this time last year, I made the decision to be stark honest with God about how I was feeling. My face burned with anger and my eyes filled with tears as I prayed about the constant battle. I told God that I was unsure of His ability to set me free. I told Him that I didn’t believe that He was my Helper. I told Him that I didn’t see the reality of any abundance. Over and over again, I poured out my disappointment to the Lord with an honest heart. I told Him that I was angry at Him for some of the things He had allowed in my life. I was hurt by the rejection I perceived from Him. I was confused about truth and what it should look like in my life. I was calloused to His Spirit’s work. I could not feel Him. I could not feel at all. For days, my entire prayer life was spent in this spirit of honesty. I laid out every hurt, every disappointment, every fear, and all disbelief. I was honest and vulnerable before the Lord in a way that I had never dared to be before.
Late at night on January 4th, I recognized that I was at the end of myself. After days of telling God how confused I was about His character, I dared Him to prove me wrong. I told Him that I had little hope and no motivation left to fight, and I dared Him to be all that I had once believed He was. I dared Him to prove me wrong, and I offered a willing spirit to watch for evidence of His faithfulness and hope for real freedom. The next day looked really typical. There were no special events, no grand worship services, no Bible studies to change my life. Everything was normal….except that for the first time I can ever remember, I chose victory. I chose abundance. I risked trusting God with my freedom again, and for that one whole day, I was free. There was no struggle, no disappointment, no defeat. I went to Hobby Lobby that night and bought a small jar and a bag of clear glass marbles. I dropped one marble into the jar and set it on my desk next to my Bible. I got down on my floor, face to the carpet, and I thanked God for one tangible day of victory and faithfulness. I thanked Him for taking me up on my dare to prove Himself.
That was one year ago today. I dropped another marble into my jar each time I saw a new victory or evidence of God’s faithfulness in my journey to freedom. I made tangible steps to freedom. The Lord showed me Truth, obedience, and abundance, and I have not looked back since that first day and first marble. Today marks one year of freedom from something consuming, overwhelming, and beyond my reach. It has been the most difficult and challenging journey in my life to date. But…I hope again. I walk freely. I know abundance. And today, I celebrate.
My ebenezer stones…Thus far, the Lord has helped me.
