Morning light.

My roommate made it into the living room before I did this morning – a rare occasion since I get up at 6am and she generally wakes up after 8am.

And she opened the blinds to let in all the fierce sunshine.

Eh.

I have this particular pattern that I work through in the mornings, and I like everything to be the same every day. It’s kind of ridiculous, but the pattern helps me to be consistent. Get up. Take the dog out. Make coffee. Eat breakfast. Take coffee, Bible, commentary, and journal to a particular corner of the couch next to the lamplight, and spend some time in the stillness.

This has been the pattern of my mornings for at least the past three years. I don’t remember why this has become the most comfortable routine for me, but I have grown to love the stillness of morning and the idea that my day hasn’t offically begun until all of these things are complete.

And at no point in my typical morning routine do I ever open the blinds to let in the glaring, early morning sunshine.

I don’t like the bright morning light pouring into my living room while I sit in the stillness.

I wanted to close the blinds again when my roommate left this morning for her early morning coffee date. And then I felt like that would be a bit overkill. I’m not into setting a mood to spend time in the Word or prayer journaling. I regularly spend time doing these things outside of my typical morning routine. But I wanted the darkness this morning. I wanted the dim lighting, the hot cup of coffee, and the security of my particular spot on the couch.

More and more I realize that this time in the morning has become my covering. I felt so unprepared for the glaring sunshine this morning, so overwhelmed by how bright it made the room and how distracted it made me feel. The stillness and the darkness of mornings with the Lord has become my daily refuge, my chance to breathe in Truth and the possibilities for the day before I’m actually confronted with its harsh reality. And while there is nothing about the morning light that makes my time with the Lord any less significant, I am learning that I love the significance of His covering in my life, His sustaining shield, and it’s easy for me to sense that when the day hasn’t even begun.

So I closed the blinds again and sat next the the dim light of the lamp. Until the Lord and I had met and I felt certain in His covering of my day.

And when I got up to open the blinds again, the morning light didn’t look so overwhelming anymore. It was beautiful – like the day outside and all the possibility it holds.

Proselytizing.

Seen this? It’s not new, but it was certainly new to me when I saw it this weekend. Pretty interesting.

Meet Penn: Atheist.

Kind of convicting, right?

Keeper.

I just looked over the main page of my blog and realized that I have become a total blogging failure in recent months. It seems like there are phases of my life that I feel totally comfortable blogging about – being a little vulnerable and and processing real life via small publications for my equally small audience. But there are whole areas of my life that I have considered off-limits to the blog. Too raw. Too real. And, honestly, I just have hated the idea of publishing my innate neediness at times. I like processing my reality when it makes me look deep and thoughtful, or when there is some sort of tidy solution or conclusion. But that hasn’t generally been the case in recent weeks. Thus, very little significant blogging.

I realized this weekend that I have finally hit what I’ve termed the SixthMonthSuck. Sorry. I know it’s a little terse. But it is what it is.

I’ve started at least six paragraphs trying to figure out a way to craft these words to seem a little more vague and a little less needy, but none of them are really honest.  I’ve finally entered into the part of every transition that really just sucks. And it’s rather lonely.

I still love my job. More every week, in fact. I’m comfortable in my position, learning every week how to make better use of a balanced schedule. And I love my church as a whole. It’s fantastic, and I am continually challenged by the things that are traditions here but novelties to me. And I still love this place. Now that it’s finally warming up and the snow melting away for summer months, I find myself excited all over again about the outdoor possibilities that are within reach in the next few months. I cannot wait to trek up the side of Pikes Peak.

But I’ve definitely found the SixthMonthSuck. It’s the phase where I feel totally connected and disconnected all at the same time. When I know everyone and no one. When my schedule looks totally booked but feels wide open.  And it’s just not fun.

But this is my reality. And I find myself over and over again saying the same thing: When He is all I have, He is all I need. At times I feel like I have to pretend that it’s true so I can fake-it-to-make-it. And at other times, when there is no tidy solution or easy fix, I find myself certain that trusting in His faithfulness to carry me through is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.

He is my Keeper. And that is enough for me.

This is my story.

Fearfully and wonderfully.

I have a facial palsy of some sort.

I don’t talk about it much. Partly because it’s weird to look in the mirror at my own face and know that it will never be symmetrical or perfect. And partly because I really don’t know much about it. Don’t even know the medical term for it.

It’s on the right side of my face. Some of the muscles don’t work or didn’t develop correctly. I don’t really know what caused it, but there is truth in the idea of my having a “good side” for photographs. My smile is crooked and one of my eyes doesn’t blink as often as the other. Everything on the left side of my face compensates for it…more blinking, a dimple on my cheek, a snarl in my lip.

Some people don’t notice at all. Others notice immediately and are left to wonder.

I spent the weekend at a 4th and 5th grade retreat, trying to become a familiar face to all our incoming 6th graders. It was way out of my comfort zone to begin with, but I was doing a really good job of holding it together for an age group that just seems so awkward to me. I was pretending to have a blast, and they were humoring me with comments like “You’re the coolest grownup EVER,” and “I’m SO skipping fifth grade so I can come to the middle school stuff. You are the BEST.”

And then I met Hannah.

She’s a pistol, I hear. A little difficult when it comes to following directions or paying attention. Even her parents told me today that she’s a handfull. A rebel in the making.

But she walked straight up to me on Saturday afternoon on the rec field and asked me point blank if I was born with problems. And I lost my ability to hold it all together.

I was caught off guard for a minute, but I kneeled down beside her and asked her to explain what she meant by that.

She said, “You know, in your face? Were you born with problems in your face?”

“Well…yes. Something like that.”

“Me too. It’s really neat that we’re made in God’s image and that we’re fearfully and wonderfully made anyway, huh?”

“Um, yes. Yes, sweet girl, it is.”

“I’m glad that we are the same,  Miss Jenn.”

And then she ran off.

She’s right about that fearfully and wonderfully stuff. And coming from the mouth of a ten year old girl, it might have been one of the most profound and encouraging things that has ever been said to me.

I have $1.

I walked out of church this past Sunday $1 richer than I went in…

…which isn’t all that big of a deal until you understand that I was just one of approximately 7,000 church members to walk out with a dollar bill in hand.

Seven thousand dollars makes it a big deal.

After one of the best messages I’ve heard on finances (Bowing with My Billfold), Pastor Matt had us pass the offering baskets for a second time in the worship service. The baskets were filled with dollar bills, and we were challenged to take the dollar and consider what Godly stewardship of that single dollar would look like in our lives.

I immediately cringed. From the inside of a church ministry, all I could think about was the fact that $7000 just went flying out the window and into someone’s fast-food-cash-stash. Seriously? That much money – in this economy? That is a serious risk.

I still have my $1 bill folded neatly into the pages of my Bible.

This is fast becoming one of the more memorable message illustrations that I’ve ever participated in. What will I do with my dollar? It’s just one dollar, but what could I do with it if I added a few more to it? What is the rest of our congregation doing with their dollar? Some of my students said they are just going to put it back in the offering baskets next week. One of our middle school students started a website to raise money for our Third Project orphans in Swaziland. He started by donating his $1 and then asked his friends to each donate a dollar of their own…just one. And so far this week, he’s raised about $500 from $1 donations. Someone else I know took their dollar and bought a military wife a cup of coffee this week while her kids were in school (and her husband hard at work in Iraq).

It was kind of crazy to walk out of church richer than I came in last week, but it’s really cool to be a part of a faith community that so strongly believes  in its members that it is willing to take a $7000 risk to demonstrate stewardship and love to the community around us and around the world. And what better way to teach a congregation that the church isn’t after their money than to give some of it back to them?

It was a good word. And now I have $1…and am still thinking about what kind of kingdom investment it should go to.

Inside the ministry. Take 1.

I’m always thinking about things to blog about when I’m in the office at church. I still love my new job out here, and I feel like I say that often. Unfortunately, most of my readership here is left wondering what exactly is so great about a student ministry at a large, relatively unknown church in Colorado.  I don’t have plans for future posts yet, but I figured I would start a series for you of the inside workings of our student ministry. And because nothing in student ministry ever starts on a serious note…

Watch: Girls’ Overnight Promo Video – 2009

Trust me. You won’t be sorry you watched this.

FAQs:

1. No, this was not our idea. Just something we are proudly supporting.

2. Yes, they participated willingly.

3. Yes, we really are using this video right now.

Her sanctification is not exactly progressing.

My quiet time generally lasts through about three cups of coffee every morning. Please observe the following sequence of events occuring as I returned to the couch this morning with each of my freshly brewed cups.

Cup #1 – Who wants to be the center of attention?

Cup #2 – The simple plan: destroy the source for her daily neglect.

And cup #3 – Defeat.

Aspen apparently doesn’t really go for the whole “time with God” thing yet. Her spiritual disciplines are, to say the least, a little bit lacking. Hopefully, the Word will begin bearing fruit in her life in the near future. In the mean time, I’m mostly just praying that she’ll understand the difference between the following key terms: potty, inside, and outside.

Friday morning and summer.

I’m sitting at Pike’s Perk right now.  It is, by far, my absolute favorite place to get work done. Or to get some blogging done. But really, it’s not the weekend yet, so I’m “working” right now.  My boss just texted to me to tell me that he is proud of me for getting out of the office to get work done. Ha. Apparently he thinks that I spend too much time being productive at my desk…which we all know is not the case since it lacks all the important features of a good work environment (like walls and a door, for example, or a window to know what is going on in the outside world or, you know, something more than a beige-ish/gray-ish color).

Things on my list for today: sell my right kidney to pay rent and bills for April & May, write out a plan for summer girls’ group, decide whether or not to run an uphill and rainy 5K tomorrow, pray for the desire to get on top of this event giveaway project, and possibly take Aspen to work today for some mild afternoon entertainment. Oh yeh, and since Friday night is coming, I’ve got majorly exciting plans that involve studying for a final and starting a new obsession with The Office: Season 1.

Although it is a little difficult to believe (given the fact that we’ve had snow here as recently as Monday of this week), summer is coming. I cannot believe that it’s already May. And I have no idea what to do with myself and this idea that summer is weeks away.  Our students have less than a month left of school, and I myself only have one more week of my spring classes.

For the past (count them) twelve years of my life, I have had a very routine and predictable summer.  For all of middle and high school, my summer involved a good Bible study group, massive amounts of time around a pool, camp(s), and a mission trip(s). Even when I worked at Kanakuk in the summers during college, my summer was still the same. Camp, mission trip, Bible study, sunshine. I changed positions at somepoint from camper and student to chaperone and leader, but it has all looked the same. Summer has been this season of adventure, marked by a clear faith lesson and some serious spiritual growth.

And I loved every single minute of it. No kidding. I love the winter, but I LIVE for summer. I know it has a lot to do with fond memories of the season of life where God has worked in my life in massive ways, but I just LOVE it. I love that no two weeks ever look the same and that there were always lots of photo opportunities, ridiculous laughter, and really insightful moments all mixed into ten or so weeks of my year.

And nothing of my summer will look like that this year.

I’ve been in a funk all week thinking about this. We don’t do a summer camp with our students here (and last time I checked, no one offers these kinds of things for single-”IstillwishIwassixteen”-twentysomethings.). We are sending our students on a mission trip to Salt Lake City, but I have to stay behind and run the weekly activities. My current small group is dissolving itself for the summer, so I haven’t even found a Bible study to plug into yet. And at the rate we’re going, it’s going to be another month and a half before it’s warm enough to lay out by pool around here.

It’s so weird to gear up for a new season, one that has traditionally been well-planned and quite adventurous, without any expectations or ideas as to what the next few months will look like. I’ve been learning for the past few months that there is a lot of value in focusing on my current season of life instead of all the potential changes and things that will inevitably come to be over the next decade, but I don’t how to shape my hope for the summer or get excited about something that really, so far, is looking a lot like my fall and spring.

Who knows? It could end up being the most adventurous and exciting summer of my life. It’s not shaping itself in that direction so far…but I’ve been asking the Lord all week if He’ll allow it to still be a season marked by faith change and growth.

And a tan. I’m going to need a tan if I’m going to make it through another winter here. Otherwise, you’ll lose me on the ski slopes next year.

All day long.

It’s just been one of those days where His grace has been an overwhelming reality in my life…and as I’ve hummed the tune of this hymn all day long, I could not help but breathe in the freedom and life I know because of it.

Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured,
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilled.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.

Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold,
Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold,
Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.

Dark is the stain that we cannot hide.
What can we do to wash it away?
Look! There is flowing a crimson tide,
Brighter than snow you may be today.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.