I’m currently sitting at Starbucks in Louisville, waiting on Brian to get off work so that we can hang out. It’s weird to be in the same place as him, and it’s even weirder to think that after nearly five months of this relationship, we might actually experience something that resembles a normal date this weekend. BeStillMySoul.
I think I’m actually feeling brave enough today to blog about being in a relationship. Maybe.
I just got to Louisville yesterday, and we basically went straight to Brian’s community group for the evening last night. Over the course of our discussion, the topic of idolatry came up, and then it came up again during the separate guy and girl time. We were sharing different areas of idolatry and struggle that we face in our lives, and one of the things that came up over and over again was that we (the girls) all seem to struggle in some capacity with idolizing the next season of life. The single girls idolize the season of dating and engagement. The engaged girls idolize marriage….and so on. And in our mind, every season becomes nothing more than a waiting period and a stepping stone to the next. We crave this security and settled feeling, and we dream that it’s always just one season away from where we are. We crave answers to our questions.
I was sharing with the girls at the community group last night that I just keep looking for the season of answers. My journal is filled with one question after another. My mind is filled with thoughts that are racing way ahead of this season, trying to get answers to questions that I shouldn’t even be asking yet. And in the context of being in a dating relationship, I’m craving a season when I don’t have to start every statement with “if” and “when”. I’m weary of waiting and transitioning and not knowing what is next, when it is, or what it will look like. And I’m weary of every answer bringing out a hundred new questions. I want to have fewer questions and more answers.
And it’s elusive. I always think that I’m going to get to this season of answers. And I keep running into more questions.
I’ve been reading a lot in Psalms recently, working my way through the Message version to gain some fresh perspective. And one of the things I’ve noticed over and over again is that it seems like the Psalms are full of David’s questions. Over and over again, I find these little clips of Scripture where David is asking big questions. But there aren’t a lot of answers. When will my enemies lose? When will I be safe again? And there’s not a lot in there to really answer the big questions that David was asking. Instead, what I’ve seen over and over again is that David’s questions mostly go unanswered. But instead of looking for answers and sitting in a place of discontentment, David goes back to what he knows about God’s character. He affirms that He is the rescuer. He is the help. He is faithful and unfailing and gracious and victorious. And even when David never gets answers to all of his questions, he trusts God’s heart for him.
I want to be like that. I think the Lord is okay with my questions. And I’ll continue to ask them. But when I can’t find answers, can’t find contentment in the season that He’s placed me in, I can go back to the fact that God’s character is unchanging. And while He may never allow that sense of security and that feeling of being settled and having answers, He is still worth trusting. He is still good. He is still faithful. He has the answers, and ultimately, He is the answer.
“…All of my life, in every season, You are still God, and I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship…”